Have you ever felt like you're torn between knowing what you see and seeing what you don't know? Like you've been good friends for so long..
..then became strangers and still don't know who he really is?
Like for eight freakin' long years, you're still not sure.
"Seriously, who are you?"
Maybe what I knew before and what I know now isn't enough.
Never enough to trust.
Was it me who chose to be blinded by his acts or was it he who always hides what he really is whether intentionally or unaware of it.
But after everything, I guess I just know him by how he makes me feel.....
'This'.
I guess I have a lot of words to say that I just couldn't spill.
Because I'm afraid that maybe... just maybe, I'm right after all but still wishin' I could be wrong.
And everytime I try to, it just doesn't make sense. It's like wanting and hating him at the same time. This urge I feel that I want to change him...
..and to cling on to something that's never gonna happen anymore.
Believing in the thought that he has changed after all the shit he'd been in.
But he never did. He's still the same.
Maybe.
Maybe he's just unaware.
He is someone whom every girl likes to be with, always caught up by his sweet company. He is that someone who gets what he wants and doesn't care if you'll get something in return or not. Even if he doesn't act to be one. He can give you all the material things. He favors you. He can make you feel like you're the only girl in the world.
But.
But there's one thing he's never given to anyone.. or trying to... but still doesn't.
Loyalty.
He can love you like the way he loves the other. And he can wrap you around his fingers and you'll be head over heels. And if he could have the chance to take it all, he'd take that chance.. to 'get in' to you.
And he just did.
He's merely keeping you around until someone better comes along, then suddenly leaves you in the cold. He gives out closure that isn't really a closure. He says his deadly sweet words whenever he feels guilty about it and not realizing that it's just making you hold on to something that doesn't even exist to him.
And that's even making you look more stupid at the end of the day.
He apologizes for whatever he does wrong by his cheap talk, but he rarely shows how he means it. It's as if he's only affected when he's in front of you, but once you turn your back, returns to usual, and have all the guts to show how happy he is with himself. He keeps his stand that he is sincere enough, but if you could see it, he's not. But you cannot blame him or anyone; You cannot do anything either. It's his choice.
He leaves you with his oh-so "caring" words, like some kind of a hint of assurance so you could come up with choosing to wait for him instead while he enjoys what he has right now.
It's his habit of saying his sweetest goodbyes that's hurting. He's manipulating you. He's making you think as if he doesn't like this too.. that what he did was painful to him and that he didn't have a choice, when in fact he had.
He always had a choice.
And when you ask for reasons...
He just tells you what you don't need to know, and when you need to know, he tells you something else. Playing safe.
And when everything is over, and cuts you off, he'll make up like nothing happened..
But you're still nothing.
He makes you feel special today, treats you like a stranger, the next.
Then you woke up and didn't know how he turned out to be the heartbreaker he warned you about before.
Someday, he'll look out for you and see you..
and remember you as the girl who once became true to him, who accepted him despite his major flaws.
....who once loved him.
And this girl who let him go would just look at him and see him as someone she used to know.
"Change is gonna come."
Soon.
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